My Story
I look forward to hearing about your journey!
Why I Started Doing This Work
Let's be real: no gay man wants to have a conversation about his prostate—especially not about what happens when it betrays him. But I’m sharing my story because I've learned something critical: no one tells you what having prostate cancer really means for gay men. I don’t mean the physical part, although there’s a lot I didn’t l know about that either, but the emotional, mental, and sexual fallout, the stuff that can quietly chip away at your life while you're busy trying to survive the trauma.
In search of meaning after prostate cancer
I think, because we’re men, we're expected to power through it with grace, and grit! Slap on some optimism and strength and move on. That was my plan too. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans. Prostate cancer doesn't just impact your body. It shakes your sense of identity, masculinity. And worth. Touches your soul. Or kicks it awake! And if you're a gay man, where sex, performance, masculinity, (yes, I used the "m" word) and desire are so intricately tied to who we are? How we live. How we’re measured. Pun intended. Well, that's a whole new level of mindfuck.
I know this because I've lived it. And I still am. Though when I went looking for advice, a guidebook, a strategy, or just some words of wisdom on how to go through this experience as a once sexually active and happy, gay man. I couldn’t find anything.
I found resources, for straight men. Mostly focused on the medical side. Nothing that touched on the emotional impact of losing your ability to get an erection or ability to perform sexually as before. Or dealing with the grief arising from losing a significant part of yourself. Or even how to grieve. I didn’t even know I was grieving, but I did know something was wrong. Missing. I felt hollow. So, I set out to figure out what this meant for me. The new me. Whoever that turned out to be because I didn’t know in that moment. I was determined to make the journey, however painful, a learning experience that could help me heal, and more importantly, help others.
Don’t get me wrong. This wasn’t easy. I didn’t set out to be “the gay prostate guy!” LOL! I mean who does.
I do have to say it was very disappointing, and shocking, that after all these years of gay community and gay pride, that there’s really nothing published to help gay men go through this traumatic and emotional experience. Yes, there are therapists who focus on this very issue, but that’s a one-on-one thing and does nothing for the broader masses of men who’ve chosen to retreat from life and hide in isolation due to the shame of having had prostate cancer. They‘d rather suffer alone in silence than be seen as less of a man in the community they once loved and cherished. Fought for even.
That’s our fault. But now we can change that.